I Can't Cook

Today got off to a rather good start... I was in Asda when I noticed their Cream Filled Meringues, nice looking meringues dipped in chocolate with whipped cream - 411 calories per 100 grammes. Hmmm.... The pack weighed roughly 600g according to the scales (which were designed for weighing kilos of potatoes not grammes of cream, but they couldn't be more than 150 calories each could they?)
I bought them to have with a coffee at my mum's after the shop, I also saw a delicious looking pasta and chicken bake ready meal and thought "I could do that", so I bought fromage frais to make a creamy sauce....

The meringue was a success - weighing in at 30 grammes it only cost me 123 calories and made for a pleasant cuppa.

Unfortunately this afternoon I tried my hand at making that nice creamy pasta sauce

I sweated mushrooms and onions together, cooked some tagliatelli and added the fromage frais. It looked lovely, it smelled nice, but it tasted Howfin! (That's a scottish term - usually used by 10 year olds to explain why they've just spat their dinner across the table)
I don't like cheese, I don't like yoghurt, and as I now know I don't like fromage frais! I do like cream whether whipped in a cake or poured over a steak or pasta or...

Anyway I don't have the knack, some people go into the kitchen and take a few ingredients and rustle up something delicious. Me I go into the kitchen and rustle up something even the dustbin won't accept!

Triumph?

I have lost all contact with my hunger and satisfaction impulses. I eat when I see or smell something nice - heck, I just need to see someone tucking into something on the telly to think "hmmm I fancy a sandwich...." You don't fancy a sandwich! You saw someone eating a sandwich in the background on that programme! You are not really hungry!!!

Over the last few days I've been observing myself, looking out for hunger pangs, seeing if I can recognise them, and you know what? I can't tell the difference between a full stomach and an empty one!

Today I had a rushed lunch and could only eat half my sandwich, I kept the rest and ate it at about four, I don't know if I was hungry or just felt sorry for myself because people were leaving work and I still had an hour and a half to go. I ate the sandwich, enjoyed it, and savoured the full feeling after I ate it. Then 5:30 came and I thought I would pack up and leave. As I went down the stairs I started rationalising:

I never had any fruit today, just a single sandwich (but a mujaddarah one - lentil, like dahl, it is known as cement for the stomach) ah, but just the one sandwich after all, I'll just take a look at the vending machine, I've had no biscuits or sweets or fruit.... I can feel a sensation in my stomach, I must be hungry.

So I did go to the vending machine, I promised I would take only the smallest lowest calorie thing in it, and there was my favourite, a Topic 237 calories! no. But look - a Ripple, I love Galaxy chocolate, a Ripple is full of air, hardly eating anything, only 175 calories, oh look a Bounty - if I eat half that's only 134 calories... At that point I stood back and took a look at myself (a metaphorical look, I was still watching the chocolate) "When have you ever stopped at half a Bounty?" I looked at that case of goodies - then decided this is stupid and turned around. I had realised that sensation in my stomach wasn't hunger - it was fullness. A subtle difference but I think I'll have to listen to my body, and use my brain to interpret the sensations - after thinking about when and what I last ate.

And the triumph? Being able to walk away from that machine without a second glance, savouring the fullness of my stomach, and not feeling that I was depriving myself .

Not a Great Day

Today has been a complete disaster. I started the day hungry and had a ham toastie for breakfast, then pasta for lunch and I bought some Lyons coconut tarts - and ate 3 of them! Aaaargh! After that a Magnum seemed appropriate and when Mum offered me half her fish supper I thought I might as well. Oh bad, bad, bad.
On the plus side I walked up past Fordswell nearly reaching Jeaniefield. I was pleased with that, and I enjoyed it.

Back on Track

Well hopefully that's me back on track now. I did have a bit of a hiccup last Friday when I had a Greggs Chicken Bake along with my lunch, then in for a penny, I had a chinese meal for my dinner Kung Po Chicken and Fried Rice! Crisps on Saturday and I don't know what I ate on Sunday! I obviously managed to pull it back though because I managed to lose 2.5lb over the week. I hope there hasn't been some kind of delayed reaction... I am trying to be good this week.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Happy Birthday to me! Birthday cake for breakfast, G&T and a nice restaurant meal for lunch, toast and butter as a treat after tea. But still the damage was only about 1700 calories! That's good, I'm feeling sinful and virtuous all at the same time :-) Must keep it up!

Food, Food, Food!

This is proving so hard this time. I am thinking about food all the time. I'm not particularly hungry, just thinking about food and calories. Food used to be a natural activity, I saw it I ate it but now it's a coonscious activity. I see it, can I afford it? How many calories will that be? If I eat it now will I regret it? or want more later? That is a snapshot of the constant conversation running through my mind. I hope I see the benefit on Tuesday.