I have lost all contact with my hunger and satisfaction impulses. I eat when I see or smell something nice - heck, I just need to see someone tucking into something on the telly to think "hmmm I fancy a sandwich...." You don't fancy a sandwich! You saw someone eating a sandwich in the background on that programme! You are not really hungry!!!
Over the last few days I've been observing myself, looking out for hunger pangs, seeing if I can recognise them, and you know what? I can't tell the difference between a full stomach and an empty one!
Today I had a rushed lunch and could only eat half my sandwich, I kept the rest and ate it at about four, I don't know if I was hungry or just felt sorry for myself because people were leaving work and I still had an hour and a half to go. I ate the sandwich, enjoyed it, and savoured the full feeling after I ate it. Then 5:30 came and I thought I would pack up and leave. As I went down the stairs I started rationalising:
I never had any fruit today, just a single sandwich (but a mujaddarah one - lentil, like dahl, it is known as cement for the stomach) ah, but just the one sandwich after all, I'll just take a look at the vending machine, I've had no biscuits or sweets or fruit.... I can feel a sensation in my stomach, I must be hungry.
So I did go to the vending machine, I promised I would take only the smallest lowest calorie thing in it, and there was my favourite, a Topic 237 calories! no. But look - a Ripple, I love Galaxy chocolate, a Ripple is full of air, hardly eating anything, only 175 calories, oh look a Bounty - if I eat half that's only 134 calories... At that point I stood back and took a look at myself (a metaphorical look, I was still watching the chocolate) "When have you ever stopped at half a Bounty?" I looked at that case of goodies - then decided this is stupid and turned around. I had realised that sensation in my stomach wasn't hunger - it was fullness. A subtle difference but I think I'll have to listen to my body, and use my brain to interpret the sensations - after thinking about when and what I last ate.
And the triumph? Being able to walk away from that machine without a second glance, savouring the fullness of my stomach, and not feeling that I was depriving myself .
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